Whoa. We had been teaching Ezra how to deal with aggression after the younger kids were in bed, roll playing situations and seeing if he could come up with his own words to communicate to them that he loved them and they were safe. This had been the ultimate test and he had passed with flying colors!

I still couldn’t catch my breath as I watched at the bottom of the stairs as he hugged Dakota.

Dakota received the hug, hung his head, mumbled that he was sorry and they both went back into the play room to finish their lego project. To this day I have no idea what the skirmish was about.

That was one of a handful of times that our oldest, biological son, used what we had taught him to diffuse a frustrating and sometimes potentially dangerous situation. Certainly, had we not taught him those techniques, he may not even be with us today. That was a long staircase and he narrowly missed a heinous fall.

It also demonstrates how threatened adopted children can be, even in a setting that to us, seems perfectly harmless.

Dakota certainly didn’t wake up that day plotting to kill his brother. But if we really are honest, he nearly DID kill him that day. I still don’t like to think about it!

Some of you are in similar situations with your children. They have nearly hurt someone or maybe even attempted what could be considered homicide against you or a sibling.

These actions are no laughing matter but the reality is, a child who is behaving in this way is not doing it out of spite. They are doing it as a matter of survival.

With that in mind, you have to approach the situation in a way that communicates love and not punishment. Why? Because punishment just makes the fear increase and the behaviors worsen.

There are two big lessons from this story.  The first is that children with trauma histories will de-escalate if YOU initiate the de-escalation.  The second is that prevention and preparation are key to keeping everyone safe in your home.