Ezra had had his friend, Jeremiah, over for the afternoon. They were great friends—running around the yard, shooting nerf guns and whooping with boy energy. Dakota, two years younger and lacking a close friend like Jeremiah, was trying to tag along but 13 year old Ezra was really wanting to hang out with his friend without interference.

I understood and was doing my best to distract Dakota but wasn’t having a lot of luck. I answered my cell phone and went in the other room and suddenly, I heard a loud noise and yelling down the hall.

When I rushed to see what the ruckus was, I witnessed Dakota literally throwing his body against Ezra’s bedroom door, trying to get in to be with the other boys. He was so angry and on the verge of tears and Ezra was pretty angry too. I think poor Jeremiah was just shocked and maybe a little afraid. I know I would have been!

I pulled Dakota away from the door and down the hallway. He was crying—you couldn’t understand what he was saying—but the whole scene was just heart breaking. I knew he was feeling nothing but rejection in that moment and to punish him would do absolutely no good.

So, I waited. We played a game of Skip-bo—Dakota’s favorite pastime for about 7 years running—and talked about personal space and boundaries, but in a way that an 11 year old boy could grasp.

I had been making cookies but that came to an end as I dealt with the issue at hand and protected Ezra’s time with his friend while trying to help Dakota through his very real feelings of rejection. That was a hard day.

But, it wasn’t over just because Dakota had calmed down and appeared to be listening to reason. There was one more very important step that had to happen before we could lay this situation to rest. A re-do.

Re-dos were something new to us when they were introduced to our family sometime during that first year after adoption, and they made a lot of sense. After all, motor memory is incredibly powerful and often, a re-do reinforced the motor memory aspect of making the right choice.

Re-dos took the whole family to be successful. Or at least, the people who were involved in the incident. So, we had to practice calming our emotions that were triggered by Ezra not allowing Dakota into his room.

I prepared Ezra to help us with the re-do and then explained to Dakota that his feelings were valid. He felt sad when Ezra wouldn’t let him in and even angry—but he needed to practice controlling his emotions and subsequently, his actions, so that doors didn’t get broken and people didn’t get hurt.

We went to Ezra’s door and knocked and he politely told Dakota that he was busy with his friend and they could play together later. Dakota looked at me with those dark brown eyes and they welled up with tears. But, he courageously looked at the closed door and responded. “Okay Ezra. We can talk later.” And then I walked with him away from the door and down the hall.

Finishing the cookies was the next step in the process after our successful re-do. We ended the afternoon on a good note, eating cookies with Ezra and his friend and laughing at our milk mustaches.

This is only one of MANY times we did re-dos in our house and they were very effective. I can’t say this was the last time Dakota tried to get through Ezra’s door, but it was awhile before it happened again.

And I am pretty sure if I had removed a toy or privilege it would have done more to make Dakota resentful of Ezra and less to foster healthy reactions to his own emotional state.

Bottom line is, I hope this little description of how re-dos work will help you in your family as much as learning how to do re-dos helped us!