Dakota had an uncanny ability to push my buttons without following through on his threatened behavior. 

His reaction to being asked to do pretty much anything was extreme.  And after spending extensive amounts of time with him, though he didn't yet live with us, I finally had a tool in my tool box to diffuse a situation that presented itself almost daily.

In this particular moment, he was threatening to throw a vase at me for asking him to turn off the T.V. His face scrunched up, his feet shoulder width apart, looking like a savage child raised by wolves, he invited me to cross him-to give him an excuse to throw it.  

Imagine at this point my mind rewinding. It was like everything was put into slow motion and my brain was processing the moment at half speed. Only weeks before we had attended an amazing and life changing seminar that gave us a new perspective (albeit one we had suspected) on traumatized children and how they react to the world.

The basic concept was that, because of the literal brain damage to the frontal lobe, which handles decision making and attachment, abused kids react to everything in a very primal way. Usually, if they are acting out it is because their brain is convinced they are about to die.

Seriously.

Because of this, as the parent of a formerly abused child, you have to make them feel safe in order to stop the behavior. Not by condoning the behavior, but by reassuring them that they are safe and loved.

Really.

So as my 6 year old son stood in front of the T.V, threatening to bludgeon me with a glass vase, I dropped to the floor across the room and softly assured him that he was safe and that I loved him.

This was a scary moment for me. It was the first time I had been regulated enough myself to act on what I had learned in the seminar. I didn’t fully believe it would work. After all, we had been experiencing violent tantrums, verbal threats and even physical injuries from these kids for months.

And my parenting paradigm said that I would be yielding control to a 6 year old if I didn’t overpower him and make him behave properly. My whole paradigm up to this point was based on punishment.

What if it didn’t work?

But what if it did?

Dakota paused. His eyes softened. He slowly lowered the vase and put it on the coffee table. Then, he ran and folded into my arms on my lap and began to cry.

Of course, I cried too! It had worked. And it was my first lesson in the power of staying regulated and in the moment. The first proof of the power of not letting your emotions get in the way of your child healing.

And it was only the beginning…