As parents, we are innately wired to teach. It’s in our blood. We were raised with parents who taught us and if we weren’t, we WISH we had had parents who taught us—because life would have been better from the beginning of adulthood if we had had instruction, right? Of course!

When we are dealing with children who have a trauma history though, we need to be cognizant of the fact that their emotional age—especially when triggered—is no where near their physical age. As a result, teaching them a lesson is like trying to teach a cat to speak. No matter what you do, that cat doesn’t have the ability to speak. It is a waste of time to try.

That being said, I am not implying you can NEVER teach your child how to make good choices—it’s just that they can’t learn in the moment when they are being triggered. AND, if you try to teach them after the fact by telling them to take responsibility for their actions or if you try to teach them by removing privileges, it is a waste of your time and also makes them feel like crap. Because when they did what they did they were in survival mode. So they CAN’T take responsibility—YET.

You may throw up your hands and say, then what am I supposed to do if I want to be a good parent?

You have to see them for the age they are emotionally and respond appropriately to that age—not their physical age. And you have to look at behaviors from a new perspective.

Because of the damage that is done to the frontal lobe of the brain when a child is continuously exposed to fear and deprivation, that part of the brain literally shrivels. However, according to studies that started in the 1990's when technology began to broaden our horizons concerning the brain, this condition can heal if a child feels safe.

Sounds easy, doesn't it? But if you were parented with a punishment paradigm, it can be tricky to figure out how to set boundaries without punishing. It can be hard to understand how NOT to be permissive while still helping a formerly abused or neglected child to feel safe.

So here are some tips to help you accomplish what may otherwise may feel like a paradox.

If your child is getting up in the night to steal food, DO NOT lock the fridge. Instead, keep healthy foods in the house—not a lot of candy and soda—and then choose snacks you can put next to your child’s bed. These snacks get refilled on a daily basis and your child should have the freedom to eat as much as he wants.

I think you will find after a few weeks or months the snacking in the night will diminish and eventually stop altogether as your child learns he will always have food—there is nothing to be afraid of.

And the next time you see him threatening a sibling—instead of escalating the situation, get close to him and reassure him of your love and his safety. Then, keep him close the rest of the day—not as a punishment but as a way to keep him safe.

“Honey, you were really angry with your brother today and someone almost got hurt. So in order to keep you both safe, you are going to stay close to me today so your brain can feel better and calm down. I love you and your brother both and want everyone in this house to feel safe.”

Later, you may do a re-do if it is appropriate but there shouldn’t be any talk of responsibility until you are certain he CAN take responsibility. And if you are reading this article with any sense of urgency, I am quite sure your son or daughter has a much younger emotional age and you are here because they CAN’T take responsibility.

And here’s the good news. If you help them HEAL now, instead of expecting the impossible, one day they WILL be able to take responsibility.

Remember, doing what you have always done and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. So do something different and see what happens! What have you got to lose?