As a result, even if the environment is peaceful, which it often isn’t in a situation where adoption happens—babies are impacted by the outside environment in a brain and memory sort of way for many days before they are born.

Let me ask you something. If you interacted with someone every day for four months—24/7 how would it impact you to suddenly be separated from that person and never see or hear of them again?

Babies may not be able to access the memory of being torn from their mother's arms or being abandoned by their mother at birth but those memories and sensations do exist in the brain at a deep level.  And what's more--they never go away.

This reminds me of a story from my own childhood. I grew up in Indiana but my paternal grandparents were from Kentucky. In their neck of the woods feuds were a not uncommon thing—even by the time I was 12, which was in the 1980’s.

My Granny was a particularly interesting and somewhat hostile person. In all honesty, she she was a victim of trauma as a young girl and I don't thing she ever truly recovered.  She had her good points, don’t get me wrong—but forgiveness wasn’t a big part of her worldview.

Whenever we would visit—about twice a year, I would spend at least one night of our vacation with my cousin, Jennifer, who was being raised by my great Aunt Goldie (Granny’s sister). We apparently had a lot in common and over the years became good friends.

The summer I was twelve we went, as usual, to visit my grandparents in Kentucky. I was anticipating a sleepover with Jennifer, whom I hadn’t seen since Christmas. Much to my dismay, there was no sleepover that visit and in fact, we didn’t even go over to Aunt Goldie’s house that summer like we usually did.

I was very sad and couldn’t understand what had happened. It turned out, Granny had gotten mad at Aunt Goldie and had told my dad he was not allowed to go to Aunt Goldie’s house without enduring Granny's wrath. My dad was no dummy.  We didn't go to Aunt Goldie's.

The thing was, Granny never forgave her sister and so, I never in my life have EVER seen Jennifer again.

Isn’t that crazy? And what’s more, I am almost 50 years old and am still thinking about it. I wonder what she grew up to be and would love to see her again—even after all these years.

It really hurt me to be torn from that friendship so unexpectedly and never get it back. And she was just my cousin!

So back to the newly adopted infant. One minute they are snug in mama’s tummy and the next they are being handed to strangers, going to a strange house where none of the sounds are familiar and are hearing voices they are not used to. How do you think that affects this tiny baby who can’t understand what is happening?

All this to say, be understanding and aware when dealing with your adopted child—even if you got them fresh from the hospital. Those traumas don’t just go away and you may have to take special measures to attach to that child.

If you are struggling with connection in your family, I would be glad to help. We raised two adopted children that were not supposed to make it according to the “system”. I would love to help your family. Check out the links in the menu to schedule a consultation.